DEALING OF LOVE

Under the shades of a withered tree ,which shed its left over dry leaves as its tears, stood a couple who didn’t want to be named.

Our hands didn’t touch each other and my feet rooted itself to the ground in fear of losing its stand. There was nervousness in the air which filled the space between us. I struggled a lot to get permission from my mistress to meet him today. I had to be accompanied by my friend when I went out but my friend, she, was kind enough to give me some time with him alone.

I was determined. I had to let him go. I would hate myself for it because I would lose the only hope of life and whatever that was left beyond him was pure horror which was there before he came to me. My eyes were crowded with tears.

His eyes were watery not out of fear or anger but out of his helplessness. He was desperate to change my views.

“What am I? A dream to be forgotten or a wish to be remembered?” His eyes were firm on its target like an arrow, but his voice pleaded in a defeated tone.

I stood there before him, as a tree stood for the sun yet burnt by his rays, like a wind without a direction yet needed a shelter.

I shied away from his scrutinizing eyes but it was not ready to take my femininity for an answer.

“Neither… you are the soul of this cursed living body, who struggles with it every single moment to stay against its own fate.” I gave him the answer which he dreaded to listen but always knew.

His eyes were closed. I knew he was thinking of a way to persuade me to throw away the life I was living, if I would call it a life.

No matter what he told me to change my mind, I wouldn’t do it. I couldn’t spoil his life. I was not the person for him to spend his precious life with.

I was the girl who was paid every night to spend with some unknown customer even against my own likings and to satisfy their animal desires. Harsh beatings and cigarette butts were my rewards yet I stayed as I was deep into a bottomless pit. I accepted my fate but my love, he, didn’t. Maybe that was the reason why I loved him so much. He loved me more than myself. What he saw in me was nothing I could ever see in me and so it was a mystery.

“Then why don’t you come with me?” His disbelief was complete in his eyes. The devotion he had was beyond humane. He came closer to me, trying to fill the gap between us, but I took a step back which made him stop. He felt hurt as the girl he loved didn’t want him to touch her.

“Come where? To stay with you? I would never ask something horrible for the person I love.”

I never knew the meaning of love before I met him. A word more pronounced but less felt. It was not the music of the soul. It was not the dance of the hearts. It was not something divine. It was the most humane thing I felt in my life.

It was not like those harsh moments I had with the fellow bodies of the night.

He, a rich son with dignified manners, never entered my house but his eyes, calm and soft, were mine for it stayed over me from the street below. Every day he walked by my street to have a glance at my sad face. He shared a bond with my eyes and we communicated by means of looks and paper bits.

I liked it for the dreams of the poor sorry girl who longed for a loving hug and a sweet kiss on her forehead. I cursed myself for encouraging him by being a victim of my heaved heart.

He spoke the words which burnt my soul alive.

“I would call you every single day as my wife and treat you as the mother of my children. For all I ask is your hand for the taking. Please believe me. For I could sell my soul if I could or thrash my wealth if I would, will that be the price of your fingers intertwined with mine forever?”

My eyes became a pool of tears and his face swan in every single drop.

“I would take your hands, for it could bring the happiness to you but I would not for the guiltiness I would carry inside later on. My love is pure but I am not.”

He didn’t stay a moment to think. He had made up his mind to give up at last. He angrily paced away from me. My heart bled tears inside for I would never see him again.  I hoped I would not.

Before he walked 10 feet away from me, he looked at me and smiled at me. The smile was not the one which started from happiness. It pleaded with me for one last time but I looked away from it. I knew how bad it would have hurted him. He finally left me.

We knew each other for a sweet 6 months. One night I came out of the palace with eyes filled with tears and I was on the verge of killing myself but he walked towards me in that cold night. He didn’t touch my hand but his voice touched the loneliness of my heart.

“Don’t worry. I am there”, His voice assured.

He was a complete stranger but I believed him, because there was no one who would say that words to me. Even I didn’t believe in it myself but I saw him believe in his words. I looked at his face like a child looking at her mother for reassurance.  He smiled at me, soothing warmth spread around me and comforting me. He sat near me the whole night listening to me. He talked about his family and how happy he would if I could join him. I dreamt his dreams. When the night ended and dawn began, I understood I began to fall in love with him. Before he left me that day, he turned towards me and said.

“I love you...” He paused a moment and continued.

“I would see you every single day without fail. I promise you that...”

But today I made him leave me. 

The moment he left me, I felt the loneliness dive deep inside me and play with my heart with his smile. Heart was a tricky place; it always wanted the ones which could never be yours.

I walked back to my mistress’s palace, that was what we called it and we were called as the dolls. Dolls lacked the power to talk or to hope. I was just there like an unanimated object unlike him who flared with life. We were two different individuals. 

A day before, I was allowed to go out for a walk after a week’s torture by my mistress who owned the place I worked.  I saw him walk with his mother, father and his younger sister. He had told me about his family and how beautiful they were but it was the first time I saw them. A week before, we, myself and him, had planned to elope from the palace but when I saw those innocent eyes of his parents and the smile he had when he was with them made me rethink our stupid decision. I was scared as my last resort would be destroyed by my presence. 

I was not the one for him. He deserved someone better...

I could never make him understand it so I knew better to not give any solid reason for breaking up our relation. His heart would start questioning what went wrong and grieve for me a few days and maybe after a month he would have started hating me and finally forget me.

I wept the whole night and turned down anyone’s company. My mistress would definitely award me with a few slaps the next day but I didn’t care.

The next day evening I wondered how he spent a day without me.  I wiped my tears which formed and went back to my routine.

I cleaned my room and made my bed as it was important in my profession. On the side of the bed was lying today’s newspaper. I took the spread eagled paper from the floor. One of the papers slipped down and when I tried to pick it, I saw it, my heart burst into million pieces.

There was the photo of him...

“Young boy from a rich family fells out of train and gets killed...”

I gasped and fell back in disbelief and horror. My eyes froze and limps forgot to move. I miscalculated his love for me. I only wanted him to be happy and it was without me but he didn’t understand it. I couldn’t cry as my voice betrayed myself. His eyes and his smile flashed before my eyes. 

I didn’t want this to happen for him... I wanted him to be happy...

My mind chanted this mantra continuously and there was no tears in my eyes. I was stupefied by the news.

Night time came and my mistress sent in today’s customers. I was there just like a table or chair without showing any reaction towards anyone.  Morning came and my senses came back to me. I looked at the mirror in my table. My plain reflection starred at me. 

I should have known by the ways of love in my heart that he would never miss my sight if he had been on earth breathing but I didn’t.

My tears flowed once I realised it.  

Uncertainty was the curse of love with all it could give, it asked itself to be its price. That was the dealing of love. Such a beautiful relationship killed by my stupidity. 

I knew I would not live another day in this earth which could not keep my love.

…………….